Sex, Hugs and Rock & Roll, Part 1

This may be a long post, so buckle in, if you're so inclined.

First off, I can only shake my head in amazement at the amusing machinations of irony: you may recall that, in December, I postponed my trip to New York because of the severe winter storms that were occurring in the area. I then rescheduled my trip for early March because, while still technically winter, it was less likely that there would be such dangerous weather at that time. Well, now it's early March, and lo and behold, a severe snowstorm has appeared out of nowhere and will hit the east coast (and a bit into New York State) all day tomorrow...the day of my flights to Syracuse. OH THE IRONY. Truly, it's like rain on my wedding day.

Furthermore, the airline sent me an e-mail this afternoon explaining that my flight from LAX to Newark tomorrow was unceremoniously canceled. However, they also confirmed me on a red eye flight from LAX to Cleveland tomorrow night and then on a connecting flight into Syracuse, getting me there about 18 hours later than originally planned. But that's okay...I've already made plans to nap after arriving in Syracuse (I hate red eye flights and can't really sleep on planes, but I'll do them as long as I have a place to nap when I arrive) and I've shifted my schedule around to accommodate the change. Not so bad...knock on wood....

And really, I would rather the airline outright cancel a flight if they feel that a) there could be danger or b) it could be horrendously delayed, especially if they're going to automatically book me on a new flight. As I said, I do hate red eye flights and would have at least liked the option of an earlier flight (I feel that red eye flights shouldn't be forced onto people, as not everyone can handle it), but whatever. Bottom line: I'm still going on my vacation.

And sort-of speaking of unexpected warm fronts, I accidentally overheard my neighbors having sex yesterday morning (a ham-handed segue, I know, but it was too good to pass up). This actually wasn't the first time I had heard them...it was the second. The first time was probably back in August or September when I was reading in bed late one Saturday night and I heard the unmistakable noises of passion through the wall (my apartment is at the corner of the building, so I only have one set of next door neighbors). It was awkward and I quickly turned on my white noise machine (left over from my old apartment where my then-neighbor was the last human being on Earth to own an an actual answering machine and she left it on the loudest setting all the time...plus, she talked on the phone all night and laughed really loudly...what a bitch).

Unfortunately, I was trapped in my bathroom this time, brushing my teeth...when I started hearing the bed creaking and the woman moaning, I stopped what I was doing not out of prurient interest but out of a desire to keep them from hearing my sink running and realizing how easily we could hear each other. So there I stood, frozen, hoping it would end...and it didn't. It just kept going for a while until I could stand it no longer and I finished brushing my teeth and went about my business.

So why write about this brief little incident at all? Well...it was upsetting, actually. It wasn't some Saturday night drunken physical free-for-all...it was 10:30 on Saturday morning. I've never actually met or seen my neighbors (thankfully...I don't know if they like me, what with my early morning stationary bike rides), so it's not like I had an unpleasant image in my head or anything. No...it was more the idea of a faceless happy couple, waking up late on a Saturday morning and having sex, then lying in bed and talking until they get up for their weekend errands. And there I was, brushing my teeth, having woken up at 6:30, alone, getting ready to go food shopping by myself. Maybe some people would get a brief little thrill out of hearing strangers doing it...I just got sad.

Which leads me to part of my discussion tonight, and I apologize in advance if it's somehow icky or off-putting or distasteful, but I feel the need to get it out on "paper." So if sex-talk makes you uncomfortable, skip down a few paragraphs and save yourself from this discussion about such a wicked biological urge. And as always, I'll try not to be graphic...that's not cool.

So...I have an embarrassing semi-secret. It's really not a secret at all, but it's also not something that I generally talk about with random people or that I would splatter online as my Facebook status or anything. But the thing is, I haven't actually had sex in a little over three years. It's this fact that haunts me whenever I see or hear about happy couples or inadvertently overhear my neighbors having sex or even see sex in movies...it eats away at me and helps drive my disappointment with every Jamie, Monica or Annie that comes along. It's a basic human desire/need and it's just not something I'm currently able to do (which isn't to say that I can't do it...oh, I can...but you really need another person to do it, and that's where I get stumped).

And it's not like the last time I had sex was really terribly special. Again, I won't go into too many details, but basically, I had recently broken up with my then-girlfriend Krystal and was pretty disillusioned when it came to dating. Between Tina (who had dumped me) and Krystal (whom I had dumped), I just didn't see the worth of getting into a relationship when it was either going to end in the pain of rejection or in the pain of rejecting someone. So essentially, I had a bit of a one-night stand...it's not something I'm hugely proud of, but frankly, I don't regret it, either. We were both there for the same reasons and knew what we were getting into, we were both consenting adults, and honestly, I had always kind of wondered what a one-night stand would be like. And now I know: kind of weird, slightly icky, fun while it was happening, but not really something I'd want to do again. But anyway, that was November or December of 2005.

I also don't really have a huge sexual history that keeps me satiated when things get dry, like some sort of sexual cactus. Again, my first girlfriend was Tina, we started dating when I was a sophomore in high school, and really, she was my first everything. It was interesting: at the time, my friends were all mostly virgins or seemingly asexual, so I was one of the first to lose my virginity, and to be frank, Tina and I were having lots of sex. Back then, I sort of thought, "Wow, if I can keep up this level of sexual activity, I'll always be light years ahead of everyone else!" Unfortunately, after Tina dumped me during my freshman year at college, I had a dry spell of about four years, and during that time, all of my friends basically surpassed my efforts tenfold...by now, my meager three bedpost notches are nothing compared to their practically-sawed-through bedposts.

With Tina being my first and my one night stand being the third, that leaves my second girlfriend Krystal as the second...and I won't get into too many details about that. Suffice it to say, it was a tricky relationship that was mostly maintained by long distance efforts...emotionally, I did care about her a great deal, but it was an untenable situation. Given my genuine feelings for her, I don't regret our physicality...but I guess she did/does. Anyway....

So there you have it: my sad little sexual history, packed into a few meager paragraphs. But I'm not even so upset about my past experiences...I'm here to bemoan my current lack of physical intimacy. Why not try for another one night stand? Eh...again, it just wasn't really for me. Plus, given the number of crazy people in the world, I think I was lucky to meet someone who was sane and decent and was actually just looking for the same thing I was looking for. I feel like going out there again would just raise the risk of finding a crazy woman and/or contracting a disease or something...God forbid. Of course, if I did meet some girl at a party or something and stuff happened, well, I don't know if I would be so rational about it all then....

Or maybe I would be...which brings me to my Belgian friend. As you may recall, in January of 2008, my Belgian friend (I don't know why I refrain from using her name, but so it goes) and I were at CES for work and she took me aside to explain that she found me attractive and had a crush on me. Given that she's an attractive girl and that I was getting nowhere with Jamie, I ended up making my way to her hotel room one night, where we started to fool around...but when things moved to the bed, I put a stop to it, explaining that I didn't have romantic feelings for her and that it would be wrong to take advantage of her knowing how she felt about me. This provoked some tears (from her) and an extreme case of blue balls (for me), but it was the right thing to do...I think.

Anyway, without retelling the whole story with all the details again, basically, after that night, she explicitly stated that we should have sex, I rejected her advances again (which was, honestly, one of the most difficult things I've ever done), we got back to Los Angeles, we hung out one night and fooled around again, I felt bad, and since then, we've just been friends. Now she's seeing someone new and we hang out every so often. But to the topic at hand, we never did actually have sex...and lately, I wonder if I made the right choice. I mean, guys have sex with girls they don't like like all the time, right? Why did I say no? Even now, I'm mentally kicking myself for not leaping into bed with her back in Vegas...it would have been awesome. And it's not like I was karmically rewarded for my restraint...after the Belgian girl came Alexandra, who I'll get to in a moment, and then more rejection from Jamie and two failed dates. What the hell?

But would it have been awesome? Sure, the sex would have been great and I would only be complaining that it's been a year since my last sexual exploit instead of three, but...would it have been worth my friendship with the Belgian girl? Of course, we don't even hang out that much nowadays, but I still care about her. The thing is, it's not like it was a simple cut-and-dried scenario...there were emotional issues at play, too, and not mine.... It just would have been wrong. I mean, lots of hookups are "wrong" and guys do them anyway, but I would have regretted hurting her...and I would have had to go through a lot of extra drama when I put my foot down and said "no, we won't be dating" (or we would have dated and it wouldn't have ended well). I mean, if she had just found me attractive and wanted to fuck, that's one thing...but she liked me, and it's not okay to take advantage of that. Ugghhh...stupid morals (or hangups). So no actual sex with her.

And then there was Alexandra...again, it's rude to get into other people's issues and/or personal details in "public," so I'll refrain from providing too much backup here. Bottom line, we didn't have sex. I mean, I think I can at least take some solace in knowing that, hey, I got to "fool around" a bit with two girls in 2008...compared to my dry spell between 2001 and 2005, wherein the most action I got was a chaste kiss from a friend (that would be Sandra...and that's a whole other complicated tale), 2008 could be seen as at least a tiny oasis in the desert of my physicality. But even Alexandra was May of last year...and since then, there's been nothing. Just those two dates, which both ended in sadness (and not even a kiss at the end of either date), and I can't really see anything on the horizon at the moment.

So hearing my neighbors having sex was far from a sexy thrill...it only served to remind me of something that I simply can't have right now. And women aren't like jobs or cars or vacations...I can't negotiate myself into one or schedule one or buy one (hookers are not an option). Hell, I can't even find one that has any degree of physical/emotional interest in me. I just don't know what to do and it makes me so astoundingly sad. And of course it's not just about sex...sex is just a goal amidst goals. But with even fat, ugly jerks getting laid on a regular basis, I just have to wonder what I'm doing wrong.

And speaking of past flames, I got a Facebook invite from Alexandra to attend her voice recital (she's in school to be an opera singer). It's surprising how my first thought was to hop on a plane and attend, then try to get back together with her...again, I don't dislike Alexandra, but our worldviews are pretty different (not to mention the distance thing), and in many ways, we're not an ideal match. And yet.... No, it won't be happening, but I think my apparent interest in getting back together with someone I only recently freed myself from is pretty indicative of my overall desperation.

So...I was going to continue on and start discussing my favorite songs, as promised in a previous post...but that may have to wait for another day. This post is already long enough and it appears to be thematically complete. Seeing as how my flight is now tomorrow night and since I don't intend to go into work tomorrow (fuck it, I'm on vacation), I'll probably have time to elaborate on my favorite songs then....