The Worst Films of 2008...And Everything Else

When creating a Worst Films of the Year list, there are two different ways of attacking such a beast: one way is to list all the wretched, awful, generally-accepted-as-shit movies from the year. That kind of list is pretty easy to compile and I'm sure that you have a few in mind as you're reading this. Does one of them rhyme with Beat the Partans? I hope so (or if not, it's only because you avoided seeing it). But that sort of list almost isn't fair...why beat up on the stupid movies that just aimed for the groin or funny bone? Not that they don't deserve to be on a Worst list just because their ambitions were nonexistent, but to have a list that consists solely of such underachievers would be kind of boring.

The other way of compiling a Worst list is to include the movies that aimed for the head, the heart or the kid inside all of us who wants to see an awesome spectacle...and failed completely and utterly. For me, these are the true worst films of 2008: the movies that let me down. The movies that should have been great, but couldn't quite triumph over an actor's ego or a director's failings. The movies that broke my heart.

And with that, we proceed to the worst....

15 WORST MOVIES OF 2008

15. RAMBO
Why 15 Worst Movies and only 10 Best? For better or worse, Hollywood tends to produce more substandard crap to fill movie theaters than quality entertainment, and I suppose my list reflects that fact. Also, when going through the list of movies from 2008, I came up with 24 movies that could qualify for the Worst list and just couldn't remove any more than nine from the list proper. I don't think this fact reflects badly on 2008, though...most years have the same ratio of good to bad. You can't have the great without the terrible, I suppose.

But to the subject at hand: writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone's return to his "beloved" 1980s character of Rambo was, in some circles, hailed as a triumph. Those circles are stupid...Rambo is an awful movie that solely exists to show how super-violent Stallone and his effects team can be. As I often say, I'm a huge fan of "explosion cinema" when it's done well (Rambo II, for instance), but Rambo is just ugly and poorly executed (pun intended). I won't even get into the fact that Stallone claims that this film was done to highlight the problems in Burma (maybe using the budget to send aid would have been more effective), as the movie itself is awful enough without that bit of behind the scenes posturing. It's not that Stallone is a bad filmmaker (see: Rocky Balboa...it's okay), but his film is so unrelentingly ugly and idiotic that it just becomes sadistic, both for its characters and the audience. I think the movie is also here on my list to counteract all of the internet idiots who believe this movie to be "fucking awesome!" It's not.

14. THE HAPPENING
Make no mistake: this is an awful, awful movie, and probably deserves to be higher on this list. But frankly, I wasn't expecting anything worthwhile from writer/director/egotist M. Night Shyamalan, so it wasn't surprising when his recent movie failed on every level. Still, it's worth calling the movie out as one of the worst of the year just to highlight the stiff acting (my God, Shyamalan even crippled the normally-spastic John Leguizamo), the laughable direction, the painfully stupid screenplay, and the scenes wherein characters run from scary, scary wind. There is nothing redeemable about this movie, unless it gets repurposed into a Rocky Horror Picture Show-esque audience participation event. But until that day, run from this movie as you would from terrifying wind.

13. THE LOVE GURU
Again, this is yet another universally-accepted awful movie, but given the sheer amount of ego involved, it's making the list, anyway. Really, The Happening and The Love Guru are interchangeable on this list, as they were both products of their creators' boundless egos (M. Night Shyamalan and Mike Myers, respectively) and both were rightful box office failures. Given the amount of money the Austin Powers trilogy made, it's easy to think that, between Austin Powers in Goldmember and Love Guru, Mike Myers somehow "lost the funny." But frankly, in rewatching the Austin Powers trilogy recently (yes, on Blu-ray...and they look great), it seems that Myers really started to lose it around 1999 with the release of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Sure, we all laughed with it at the time, but time has not been kind to that movie (Goldmember is actually slightly better than its 1999 predecessor) and showed what too much money and too much Hollywood ass-kissing could do to a once-promising comedian.

But back to 2008 and The Love Guru. Basically, the movie just isn't funny. A drama can still be very successful if one doesn't cry at the end, but a comedy is not successful if it doesn't produce any laughter. But rather than file Love Guru away alongside the other unfunny comedies of 2008 (Baby Mama, anyone?), it's important to put it in front of the class and mock it relentlessly so as to highlight what not to do. In my original review, I said that the movie had been kicked around enough...I take that back. The Love Guru should be taught in schools to show kids how not to make comedy. Lesson one: don't do the same jokes that you always do (but if you have to, make sure they were funny the first time). Lesson two: get feedback from people you trust as to whether or not your comedy is working. Lesson three: if you're creating a comedy character, make sure he's actually funny and not extremely annoying. Lesson four: don't put Jessica Alba in your movie (that goes for every genre, actually). Lesson five: Don't be an egotistical bastard on the set of your movie and in real life and make everyone hate you. Got it? Good.

12. MEET THE SPARTANS
I think we're reaching the end of the "bad movies that were bad" part of the list and will soon reach the "movies that were supposed to be good but were bad" part. But no Worst list would be complete without Meet the Spartans, even if it is an easy target. Again, this movie could easily be number one, but at the very least, the movie achieved what it set out to do: be an incredibly stupid pastiche of pop culture references and act as a "Now That's What I Call Movies, Vol. 14" compilation reel. Of course, that doesn't mean it's good. The only reasons I watched it in the first place were because a) I was curious as to how bad it really was, and b) I got it for free. I didn't even trade the DVD in when I was done with it...I just threw it out. I won't waste any more time drawing attention to this movie because it doesn't deserve even an ounce of infamy.

11. THE FOOT FIST WAY
This movie was supposed to be funny...Will Ferrell said so! And star Danny McBride was a lot of fun in both Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express this summer. Sadly, The Foot Fist Way feels like Talladega Nights (one of the more annoying Will Ferrell improv-a-thons) made on a $2 budget with only a third of the comedy. What's left? Cheap, ugly filmmaking (which is usually forgivable, but fuck this movie) combined with hateful, stupid, unfunny improv comedy from its untalented actors. There's a fine line between recognizing that the main character is a douche but liking him anyway, and recognizing that the main character is a douche and hating him and everything around him. Take a guess as to which side of the line this movie is on.

10. THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
I'm not a huge X-Files aficionado: I saw the entire first season and liked it, and I quite enjoyed their 1998 film, X-Files: Fight the Future. But I really haven't seen anything beyond those episodes and the movie. Therefore, it's a testament to the actors and the film's marketing that I was surprisingly interested in seeing their second film this summer. In fact, it's due to the actors that the movie isn't higher on this list: David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson have great chemistry and are both really fun and engaging actors. Their scenes together in this film are well acted and there's genuine affection behind them. As I recently wrote to a friend, if they had a made the whole movie about Mulder and Scully talking about stuff and hanging out together, I probably would have really liked the movie a lot more.

But they didn't. Instead, they took a vastly stupid plot (body part harvesting? Not organs, but parts...), some mis-cast actors (Xzibit, Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet), and a script by the seemingly-clueless series creator Chris Carter (seriously, I'm not that familiar with the series, but it seems like he had a great initial idea, but lucked into a great series by using a really talented crew of writers...am I wrong?) and made a cheap-looking, half-hearted, muddled, poorly-plotted, trite X-Files movie. I can't say that this film "broke my heart," but it sure was disappointing. This movie is a failure, an ugly, pointless failure.

9. BE KIND REWIND
Speaking of disappointing, imagine a movie by visual wunderkind Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), starring the sometimes-funny Jack Black and the surprisingly-endearing Mos Def, all about these two characters remaking well-known movies in a low-fi way (Ghostbusters, Rush Hour 2, etc.). Sounds kind of awesome, right? Wrong. Instead, this should-be-great mixture produced Be Kind Rewind, a cheesy, shockingly boring, bizarre-in-a-bad-way misfire. After this and the painful The Science of Sleep, Gondry should never be allowed to work from his own screenplays again. While he's still visually inventive, he's actually a surprisingly bad filmmaker when it comes to his own stories. I guess there was some heart to this movie, as opposed to Science of Sleep, but it quickly became cloying and dull. A great concept utterly wasted.

8. STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
Did anyone actually think this movie was going to be good? Probably not...I know I didn't. And yet, I'm including it on this list in protest of all things Star Wars. I'm hardly a big Star Wars geek: I'm a fan of the original three movies (especially Empire Strikes Back, which is just a solid and awesome movie), but everything since then has been mediocre at best. Still, I wouldn't say that the prequels "raped my childhood"...Star Wars has never been a big part of my cinematic world (now, if Robert Zemeckis were to make a Back to the Future IV with a digital Michael J. Fox, then I would call the police and report some childhood-raping).

So why include this movie on the list if I don't even care that much about Star Wars? Because it's a bad movie. It's a cheap-looking movie that commits the sin of being incredibly boring. Why does George Lucas insist on revisiting the Clone Wars again and again and again? They're not interesting and this movie proves it. Plus, farting Jabba baby. Fuck this boring, stupid, ugly movie. George, let the movies go. Stop retooling Episodes IV through VI for 3-D, stop making animated spinoffs...just let it go. Yet another reason why George Lucas may be one of my least favorite filmmakers working today (I know he didn't direct this, but don't you think he probably had some influence over it?).

7. CLOVERFIELD
Ugh...thanks for playing on our September 11th anxieties for entertainment, guys! Also, thanks for making a movie with idiotic characters, an ugly monster, and a shitty story. As I said when I saw the movie, I do appreciate all of the technical work that went into making this movie, but those technicians should be ashamed at how they were used. The bad actors got what they deserved, but everyone behind the scenes (except the director, writers, and JJ Abrams) deserved better.

6. TOWELHEAD
Again, I recently discussed this movie, so I won't get into again. Suffice it to say that Alan Ball has been exposed as someone who just likes to shock for the sake of shocking. Perhaps he's somewhat Chris Carter-esque...perhaps Six Feet Under was so successful because of his hands-off approach for a lot of the writing and directing. I'm not saying the man can't bring the drama when he's really on his game (American Beauty, the last episode of Six Feet Under), but for whatever reason, Towelhead got the best of him. He was drowning in its story and themes, and all he could do was splash some shocking moments on screen that don't mean anything.

5. WANTED
This sort of movie makes me mad: the movie wherein most people embrace it and talk about how awesome it is. I mean, the bullets went "nnnyyyyyeeeewwwoooowww" and then the guy went "fuck you!" and then that building went "bbbchhhhhhooooooo" and then we saw Angelina Jolie's ass. Wanted is a movie for twelve year old boys with no taste. Wanted is a movie for people who liked Band of Brothers for all the shooting. If movies could be mentally challenged, Wanted would be the poster child. This is a painfully stupid movie that will be getting an undeserved sequel. Please allow me to use this relevant quote from Billy Madison to describe how I feel about Wanted: "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

4. 88 MINUTES
I called this movie the worst movie of the year when I saw it in August or September, and to a point, I stand by that. But the movies that were truly the worst of the year did more than just offer an incoherent, badly written, embarrassing story...like I said, the true worst movies of the year were the disappointments. 88 Minutes came with no expectations...actually, it came with very, very low expectations, seeing as how it sat on a shelf for about a year before being released. 88 Minutes is an awful movie. If the next three movies had lived up to expectations, I would have no qualms about naming 88 Minutes the worst movie of the year. It's that bad. This, like The Happening, almost deserves an audience participation screening or some sort of bad movie cult classic status in the years to come. Amazingly enough, star Al Pacino decided that his experience on 88 Minutes was positive enough to work with director Jon Avnet again in Righteous Kill, his movie with Robert DeNiro. Do you need to borrow some money, Al? I have a few bucks in my wallet...let me get them for you.

3. AUSTRALIA
This movie was supposed to be great: tried-and-true visionary director Baz Luhrmann reuinted with his Moulin Rouge star Nicole Kidman. Solid actor Hugh Jackman providing the man-chops in this epic romance. A period piece set across the wilds of Australia. It was going to be Gone With The Wind for the 2000s.

Looking back, I'm surprised I bought into the hype. Nicole Kidman hasn't been in a great movie since...well, probably Moulin Rouge (okay, maybe The Hours). Hugh Jackman is hardly indicative of quality (Van Helsing), and Baz Luhrmann...it all rested on his shoulders, really. Sadly, Australia crushed Luhrmann (or maybe it's the other way around), and exposed this once-visionary director as someone who should stay wrapped in his Red Curtain. It's been a while since I've seen Gone With The Wind, but I don't remember it being incredibly boring, poorly plotted, extremely badly directed, ugly to watch, and I could have sworn that Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh had some chemistry together. Australia was like 2001's Pearl Harbor, except without the visual splendor. Yeah, that's right: Michael Bay wins in this comparison. That's how bad Australia is. Maybe the Academy knew something we didn't when it failed to nominate Luhrmann as Best Director alongside the Best Picture nomination for Moulin Rouge....

2. THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Like I said, the true worst movies of the year were the disappointments, and no movie (except one) disappointed me more than The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. What's even more disappointing is that it's making so many critics' top ten lists for the year. What movie did they see? Did they somehow connect with the cypher of a main character in a way I didn't? Did they get swept up in the perfunctory romance that took place between Button and the Cate Blanchett character? Did they mysteriously discover some hidden significance as to Button's aging process and how it relates to the point of the story? Or maybe they just watched the first ten minutes and felt that, if the whole movie was as touching as the story of Mr. Gateau, then surely it's the best film of the year?

Whatever the reason, this complete and utter misfire from Fincher and co. was Forrest Gump on downers. Suffocated by its own sense of importance, the movie dies a thousand deaths as its two hour and forty seven minute runtime drags onward. I had so hoped that this movie would combine the amazing period detail and sense of plotting from Fincher's awesome Zodiac with screenwriter Eric Roth's humanity and create something truly special. Instead, they created something truly malformed and empty. This movie is a hoax.

1. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
It was hard to decide between Benjamin Button and this movie for the worst movie of the year...but given that I wrote an entire epic blog post about why Kingdom of the Crystal Skull didn't work for me back in May, it seemed clear that this failure was the most disappointing and hurtful movie of the year. Pity poor Cate Blanchett for being in the two worst movies of the year, but it's hardly her fault.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull fails on every level possible. Everything from the reasoning behind the movie (Ford needed a hit, Lucas wanted to talk about aliens and shit, and Spielberg had some space in his schedule) to the lies told during production ("oh, we're not using CGI...it's all like the old movies, all practical effects") to the anemic finished product...the movie is a failure. And it's a particularly painful failure for those of us who were satisfied by watching Indiana Jones ride off into the sunset with his father at the end of Last Crusade. It was so fitting for the stories to end there, not only in the world of the characters, but in the real world, too: Last Crusade came out in 1989 and was a perfect sendoff for a decidedly 80s hero.

But no. George Lucas had to spin his evil magic of revision and resurrection over the well-laid corpse of Indiana Jones, just as he had done with Star Wars. Not content to fuck up his own films, he decided to glance over at the other end of the Lucasfilm empire to see what was doing with his Spielberg co-creation. And there was Spielberg, happily making his Munich and his long-gestating Lincoln project and his other "mature" movies, perfectly content to leave Indiana at rest. But George, smelling the scent of money in the air, cornered Spielberg one day and said, "Hey, how about another Indiana Jones? This time, it's aliens!"

That's not to completely free Spielberg of any responsibility in this mess. The man should have said no, should have said "it's over, leave it be." And really, who knows for sure how this whole thing got started? My above impressions are based on interviews and allusions made in those discussions. But the feeling I got was that Spielberg knew he was in a different place in his career and went along with Lucas and Ford because he was convinced to do so and because he missed working with those guys. And actually, while Ford is certainly culpable in this for keeping the concept alive in the press for so long, he actually did the best job out of all of them in terms of the actual movie.

But Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a terrible movie. Not just as an Indiana Jones movie, but as a standalone movie. As an Indiana Jones movie, it's a horrible abomination that can't even reach the heights of the once-unloved Temple of Doom. As a standalone movie, it's just boring with surprisingly bad action scenes and an incoherent plot. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the worst movie of the year because it either a) shouldn't have been made, or b) should have been one of the best movies of the year. Instead, it's an embarrassment for everyone involved and has fully cemented my disdain for George Lucas. Screw this movie for wiping the smile off my face and sullying a beloved childhood icon.

MOVIES THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE TOP 15, BUT WERE PART OF THE ORIGINAL LIST OF "WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR"
Untraceable
Semi-Pro
10,000 BC
My Blueberry Nights
Baby Mama
Hancock
Mamma Mia!
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Quantum of Solace
Some movies on this list are just examples of crappy movies that stuck out as being worthy of mention on this list (Untraceable, Baby Mama, 10,000 BC) that don't cause too much harm. Sure, Untraceable is ugly and torture-porn-tastic, but it's unremarkable in its badness. Same with Baby Mama and 10,000 BC...they're just stupid misfires. Semi-Pro is a shockingly unfunny comedy from Will Ferrell, but America apparently agreed. My Blueberry Nights is a painful retread from Wong Kar-Wai that's really more incredibly boring than bad. I never expected to like Mummy 3 (though I have a weird soft spot for The Mummy Returns...or at least I did when I first saw it) and was unsurprised by how terrible it was. Same with Mamma Mia...I never expected to like it and I was rewarded with my expectations being met.

But Hancock...that movie almost made the list proper, if only because it should have been awesome. Drunken superhero who learns to care? That could have been great! But the movie itself...I won't spoil it, but it takes some definitely stupid turns and becomes pretty terrible. Hancock is just incredibly disappointing, so if you want to imagine a 16th spot up above, Hancock fills that spot.

And Quantum of Solace...I put it on this list because it was hugely disappointing, but not because it's necessarily bad. After the heights of Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace is a rushed, near-incoherent mistake. I still believe that Marc Forster was a terrible choice for director and it helped make the movie mediocre. As I may have said before, the best parts of Quantum of Solace are the holdovers from Casino Royale. So the movie wouldn't be on my list proper, but it should be singled out as a disappointment.

MOVIES I DIDN'T SEE FROM 2008, BUT PROBABLY WON'T BECAUSE THEY LOOK TERRIBLE
In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Eye
Fool's Gold
The Hottie and the Nottie
Step Up 2 The Streets
Witless Protection
College Road Trip
Never Back Down
Superhero Movie
The Ruins
Prom Night
Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed
The Forbidden Kingdom
What Happens In Vegas...
Postal
Sex and the City
The Wackness
Meet Dave
Space Chimps
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
Mirrors
Death Race
Babylon A.D.
Disaster Movie
Bangkok Dangerous
Righteous Kill
The Women
My Best Friend's Girl
An American Carol
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Max Payne
The Secret Life of Bees
Saw V
Soul Men
Twilight
Delgo
Marley & Me
Last Chance Harvey

Anyone disagree with my list above and feel that I should see a particular movie? Let me know...unless it's Sex and the City, because I just won't.

You may have also noticed that there are plenty of movies that aren't on either the Best or Worst lists, such as The Incredible Hulk, Tropic Thunder, Speed Racer, Gran Torino, Get Smart, Revolutionary Road, 27 Dresses, Valkyrie...etc. These are the average movies...they weren't great and they weren't terrible. But just to differentiate something like Pineapple Express from something like Jumper, allow me to present:

MOVIES I SAW IN 2008 THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY LIST, BUT ARE STILL WORTH SEEING
The Spiderwick Chronicles
The Other Boleyn Girl
The Bank Job
CJ7
Horton Hears A Who
Drillbit Taylor
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Son of Rambow
Speed Racer
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
You Don't Mess With The Zohan
The Incredible Hulk
Pineapple Express
Tropic Thunder
The House Bunny
Burn After Reading
Eagle Eye
Body of Lies
W.
Bolt
Frost/Nixon
Gran Torino
Valkyrie

MOVIES I SAW IN 2008 THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY LIST, BUT ARE STILL WORTH AVOIDING
27 Dresses
Jumper
Charlie Bartlett
Vantage Point
21
Run, Fatboy, Run
Leatherheads
Made of Honor
The Fall
Get Smart
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Hamlet 2
Revolutionary Road

Again, you may notice more movies not on any list whatsoever...I would have to go through those individually to explain why, and I think we're just out of time here. Basically, I've seen them and feel neutral or I haven't seen them but am not specifically hoping to or avoiding them. In any event, there you have it: my exhaustive evaluation of 2008 at the movies. Next up: Academy Award predictions...maybe. Or maybe I'll just wait until they announce the nominations and go from there. Either way, it's time for a nap.